If anyone was to ask what the worst bit of diagnosis is, for me, undoubtably it was the thought of leaving my son without a mum. I just had to picture his face and I was in floods of tears. How would he manage without his mum looking out for him. Since my ex left, its just been me and him. I spoil him far more than I should but hey, thats my perogative. We've been through some tough times and he's the most important person in my life. I know he has his Dad but its not the same as a mums love. I couldn't and still can't bear to think of him in a world where he hasn't got me to turn to. He was almost 16 at time of diagnosis. And I wasn't sure if I would see him get any older.
That day I was discharged home with my verdict - my niece drove me and we discussed what I should tell him about what I knew. I decided that he needed to know the truth, but without the nitty gritty. I went upstairs whilst she broke the news to him and his dad. I couldn't bear to look at him while she broke his heart. Then I came down and acted the way I normally do - a bit of humour - and a brave face. He wouldnt see me cry - I was the calmest person around.
From that point, I decided I would face whatever was thrown at me full on. Just bring it on....
Thursday 27 September 2012
Diagnosis...
Yes, Stage 4 Breast Cancer which has spread to my spine and bones. Dr was very sorry - I looked at him and said at back of my mind I knew. He would do more tests - get the full picture before he could start any treatment. Told me to go home and get over operation. I told him he would need to sort something - I have a 15 yr old son - I couldn't leave him without a mum. He left. I rang my niece to come get me. Then I thought of my son - and fell apart.
Wednesday 26 September 2012
The Beginning......
To start my story, I need to go back to 2010. Probably early on that year. It all seems a lifetime ago now. I had started to get pain in my upper back/shoulder - brought on I thought by turning quickly to view blind spot in car. Frozen shoulder or something of the kind. Not pleasant but these things happen. It would come and go, nothing really to worry about. Sometimes it would move down lower - I got quite good at moving in a way that would not aggravate it any more - but paracetemol were starting to play a part in my life.
A rare visit to my GP to question why it wasnt getting any better - "just a pulled muscle - it will go in its own time". Ok then - suppose I will get on with it. And so the months progressed.
Ended up with a week off work - I never, have time off for sickness - work ethic I was brought up with - and another visit to GP. Explained I was getting a pain in my leg, felt like a trapped nerve. "not related - just muscular". "Don't I need an xray or scan or something?" - "No, backs are funny things - can take up to 2 years to clear up - all in its own time". And a prescription for Paracetemol, Diclofenac and Diazapan. Keep taking the pills!
The months progressed and I was given further prescriptions for the said Paracetemol, Diclofenac and Diazapan. The pain in my leg outdid that in my back. Sometimes heat pads helped, sometimes not. Some days I had to lift my leg into the car - and more worrying, lift it to use the clutch. I work for the police and I'm not so sure that I was quite legally driving at that time. But what do you do when you have to earn a living?
Started with visits to Occupational Health and the lovely Kurt, the physio. Sometimes things arent all doom and gloom! Several uncomfortable massages didnt really do any good - though the view was nice!
The summer came and went - had our usual lovely holiday in Zante, just me and my son Dan. Back and leg behaved while we were away but once we were back, it returned with a vengance. By September it was really starting to give me jip but I kept on taking the pills and waited for the day it would disappear.
One day my back just went on me - couldn't move hardly, the pain was immense. GP came out and said it was spasms, they would clear up on their own. My ex came to stay for a week while I was confined to bed - sorted us out with meals and saw to the chores. But it did clear up slightly - enough to get me back to work anyway.
December arrived and the Xmas Do. My last outing in high heels - I managed ok for the night but ended up in bare feet - usual thing really on the dance floor. Yes I managed a couple of dances - helped on by the wine and jack daniels - for once I didnt need the medication to get me through!
One of my colleagues took me aside one day at work. Didnt want to worry me, but he and his wife had been discussing me - a friend of theirs had been suffering with leg problems like mine and he turned out to have bowel cancer. Yes, I would see the dr again - but hey - its muscular. More Paracetmol, Diclofenac and Diazapan.
Xmas approached. My lack of mobility meant I couldnt really throw myself into the decorations and tree. My ex - Dans dad came and put up my tree. My xmas shopping was all done in Boots, I couldnt walk around the shopping cente. Now my friends will tell you - I am a born shopaholic - this for me was purgatory!! Cooking the xmas dinner was terrible. I couldnt lift anything or reach into the oven. I had invited said ex for dinner with us and it was all handed over to him to finish off. I retired to my usual position on the sofa. Even our usual silly games that I insist on playing on xmas day, didnt get off the ground as I couldnt sit up long enough to play.
But hurrah - a referral to the hospital - maybe an xray was on the cards after all! A very nice Dr - did xrays and prescribed a cortisone injection with manipulation under anasthetic. Lovely. But he did give me a nice set of crutches which helped me get about a lot better. I got up quite a speed along the corridor at work!
Another 6 weeks - no improvement and back to hospital - and finally - an MRI scan. 4 pm on a Thursday. Maybe this would do some good.
Well - by 6 pm, my phone was ringing. It was the Dr - could I get myself to Wigan Infirmary A+E immediately, they were expecting me. Yes, I drove myself there - and from that point it was all systems go with bells ringing. Don't remember what scans, tests and xrays I had that night. Only that it seemed urgent. Ex arrived with my son, to take car home, looked like I wouldnt be going with them. Sister in Law with hubby arrived - everyone looking worried. Everyone but me. One night in A+E then a transfer to Hope Hospital in Manchester - great - even further away for everyone to visit.
Verdict - my spine was unstable - could have gone at any time. I would need an operation to put steel pins in it to strengthen it. Easter Weekend - but life goes on and so I had the operation on Easter Monday - the first lovely weather of the year and I was stuck inside flat on my back.
Royal Wedding Weekend - we had free viewing so we could follow the events of the day. I was still high on morphine - my work friends were getting highly amusing texts from me - not a lot of sense apparantly - seemed fine to me!
Then discharge day - Friday May 6th 2011. A visit from a new consultant - I didnt realise he was an oncologist. Yes he could confirm that I had Stage 4 breast cancer - not curable as it had spread to my spine and bones. Terminal.....................
A rare visit to my GP to question why it wasnt getting any better - "just a pulled muscle - it will go in its own time". Ok then - suppose I will get on with it. And so the months progressed.
Ended up with a week off work - I never, have time off for sickness - work ethic I was brought up with - and another visit to GP. Explained I was getting a pain in my leg, felt like a trapped nerve. "not related - just muscular". "Don't I need an xray or scan or something?" - "No, backs are funny things - can take up to 2 years to clear up - all in its own time". And a prescription for Paracetemol, Diclofenac and Diazapan. Keep taking the pills!
The months progressed and I was given further prescriptions for the said Paracetemol, Diclofenac and Diazapan. The pain in my leg outdid that in my back. Sometimes heat pads helped, sometimes not. Some days I had to lift my leg into the car - and more worrying, lift it to use the clutch. I work for the police and I'm not so sure that I was quite legally driving at that time. But what do you do when you have to earn a living?
Started with visits to Occupational Health and the lovely Kurt, the physio. Sometimes things arent all doom and gloom! Several uncomfortable massages didnt really do any good - though the view was nice!
The summer came and went - had our usual lovely holiday in Zante, just me and my son Dan. Back and leg behaved while we were away but once we were back, it returned with a vengance. By September it was really starting to give me jip but I kept on taking the pills and waited for the day it would disappear.
One day my back just went on me - couldn't move hardly, the pain was immense. GP came out and said it was spasms, they would clear up on their own. My ex came to stay for a week while I was confined to bed - sorted us out with meals and saw to the chores. But it did clear up slightly - enough to get me back to work anyway.
December arrived and the Xmas Do. My last outing in high heels - I managed ok for the night but ended up in bare feet - usual thing really on the dance floor. Yes I managed a couple of dances - helped on by the wine and jack daniels - for once I didnt need the medication to get me through!
One of my colleagues took me aside one day at work. Didnt want to worry me, but he and his wife had been discussing me - a friend of theirs had been suffering with leg problems like mine and he turned out to have bowel cancer. Yes, I would see the dr again - but hey - its muscular. More Paracetmol, Diclofenac and Diazapan.
Xmas approached. My lack of mobility meant I couldnt really throw myself into the decorations and tree. My ex - Dans dad came and put up my tree. My xmas shopping was all done in Boots, I couldnt walk around the shopping cente. Now my friends will tell you - I am a born shopaholic - this for me was purgatory!! Cooking the xmas dinner was terrible. I couldnt lift anything or reach into the oven. I had invited said ex for dinner with us and it was all handed over to him to finish off. I retired to my usual position on the sofa. Even our usual silly games that I insist on playing on xmas day, didnt get off the ground as I couldnt sit up long enough to play.
But hurrah - a referral to the hospital - maybe an xray was on the cards after all! A very nice Dr - did xrays and prescribed a cortisone injection with manipulation under anasthetic. Lovely. But he did give me a nice set of crutches which helped me get about a lot better. I got up quite a speed along the corridor at work!
Another 6 weeks - no improvement and back to hospital - and finally - an MRI scan. 4 pm on a Thursday. Maybe this would do some good.
Well - by 6 pm, my phone was ringing. It was the Dr - could I get myself to Wigan Infirmary A+E immediately, they were expecting me. Yes, I drove myself there - and from that point it was all systems go with bells ringing. Don't remember what scans, tests and xrays I had that night. Only that it seemed urgent. Ex arrived with my son, to take car home, looked like I wouldnt be going with them. Sister in Law with hubby arrived - everyone looking worried. Everyone but me. One night in A+E then a transfer to Hope Hospital in Manchester - great - even further away for everyone to visit.
Verdict - my spine was unstable - could have gone at any time. I would need an operation to put steel pins in it to strengthen it. Easter Weekend - but life goes on and so I had the operation on Easter Monday - the first lovely weather of the year and I was stuck inside flat on my back.
Royal Wedding Weekend - we had free viewing so we could follow the events of the day. I was still high on morphine - my work friends were getting highly amusing texts from me - not a lot of sense apparantly - seemed fine to me!
Then discharge day - Friday May 6th 2011. A visit from a new consultant - I didnt realise he was an oncologist. Yes he could confirm that I had Stage 4 breast cancer - not curable as it had spread to my spine and bones. Terminal.....................
Hi - I'm Sue....
Hi. I'm Sue and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastasised Breast Cancer on May 6 2011.
I have only recently found myself able to start reading up on my "condition" and have found myself drawn to several blogs from very inspiring ladies who have shared their stories in such a heartwarming and humorous way.
I hope that I too can share my story in a way that will help others who find themselves in the same unsteady boat as myself. Together we can face what is thrown at us with the one thing that hopefully can not be taken away from us - our spirit.
I am currently midway through 6 sessions of chemo (2 down and 4 to go), having previously had emergency spine surgery, radiotherapy and lumpectomy. All of which I will recount in due course in the telling of my story.
So please bear with me while I play catch up. Any emails will be answered as soon as I can. Maybe one good thing to come out of all this is the chance to make new friends.
By the way - I'm 51, divorced with an 18yr old son called Daniel, am an administrator for the Police and hopefully still have a good sense of humour!
Are you sitting comfortably? - then I'll begin.........
I have only recently found myself able to start reading up on my "condition" and have found myself drawn to several blogs from very inspiring ladies who have shared their stories in such a heartwarming and humorous way.
I hope that I too can share my story in a way that will help others who find themselves in the same unsteady boat as myself. Together we can face what is thrown at us with the one thing that hopefully can not be taken away from us - our spirit.
I am currently midway through 6 sessions of chemo (2 down and 4 to go), having previously had emergency spine surgery, radiotherapy and lumpectomy. All of which I will recount in due course in the telling of my story.
So please bear with me while I play catch up. Any emails will be answered as soon as I can. Maybe one good thing to come out of all this is the chance to make new friends.
By the way - I'm 51, divorced with an 18yr old son called Daniel, am an administrator for the Police and hopefully still have a good sense of humour!
Are you sitting comfortably? - then I'll begin.........
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